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24 Nov 2009|12:03am |
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not cohesive enough.
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| Unfair Name Calling; You're Making People Uncomfortable; Guilty |
16 Nov 2009|06:32pm |
What's the opposite of a shit-disturber? Perhaps a shit peace-keeper? So instead of throwing pieces of shit everywhere and it getting it it all over the place, people prefer to keep shit in one place where it's precious, intact and protected.
That sounded political, didn't it? I didn't mean for it to come off that way. I'm not talking about revolutionaries or anyone like that, I'm just talking about regular people. Actually, I'm talking about myself and whenever I say anything honest or semi-meaningful -- "meaningful?" I don't like the sounds of that -- it sounds so pretentious, but what else could i mean? Anyway, I don't actually say much meaningful stuff unless someone else prompts the conversation. However, when I do say something I think is of worth, it seems most people give me that evasive attitude. What is that? Honestly? Do they not really understand the things I say? ...maybe... I'm not really sure. Are those topics simply too taboo? Of course they are.
Let's face it, from what I've learned, nobody likes to talk about anything that actually matters. That's why I don't start those types of conversations for fear of their reaction. Well, sometimes I start those conversations after I've known someone for a while and I think it's safe to talk about anything, but I'm usually wrong anyway, about maybe over 80% of the time. What am I writing about? I feel so pretentious right now. See? See? That's what polite socializing has done to me. Do I have to pretend to be superficial all the time? No one asked me to pretend to to be so interested in their house cleaning and work schedules, but I do it automatically anyway because if I don't all my communication will be "shut-up", and I'll be alone and one of those people I secretly admire in group settings who hardly say a thing. But I don't like being one of those people. I've been there and still go there, and I got to say, it's even more uncomfortable than feigning interest.
Sometimes I wonder if the people I talk to are feigning interest back. I used to think so but now I'm not so sure. It's the most disturbing when I'm feigning interest in myself when I talk and I think at the same time, "Man, are they still listening to this boring shit I'm saying?" and when they say, "Yes," back in their own way I feel guilty for not taking a more genuine interest in my relating to them.
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| class of 2001 |
12 Nov 2009|03:07pm |
"'I derived a certain sardonic satisfaction out of becoming even less than I had thought I was or they had thought me to be...'"
- Peter, a patient in the "Divided Self"
I'm reading the Divided Self at the moment and there's one case in the book about a man named Peter. Peter, who was in his mid-20's, grew up in poor neighbourhood. He was a model student in the eyes of his parents and teachers and they expected big things out of him. When he finished secondary school he obtained an office job, which was a big deal to his parents considering their poor background, but Peter just wasn't into it. He left his job and came to the conclusion that trying to be successful was nothing but a futile front and he was nothing but a futile front.
So, I'm from the "hood", I guess you can say, and in high school, I was one of those students who always got the top 3 grades on tests or term marks. I remember a handful of other students who, for the lack of a better term, were in the same rank as me. Most of them, I remember, were a little off into their own world and gave off an air of independence but they seemed unsatisfied or something to that affect. And then there was the group of students who got slightly lower marks than us but were still considered excellent pupils. They seemed a lot more "normal" in their behavior and appearance and usually conformed more with the ideal of a good pupil ex. good attendance, school clubs, agreeable. They were also usually from more middle-class backgrounds. As far as I know, most of the agreeable pupils ended up finishing post-secondary and getting decent jobs. And as for me and the other kids... a couple of them turned into burnt out druggies and another one dropped out toward the end of high school and I spent the last half of a decade doing nothing much. Maybe we all had a "Peter" moment.
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